Fishy CanUSA Games/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW At any of our big family dinners, it's kind of like going to a karaoke bar. You never know whether you're going to get a turkey or a ham. So I say, wouldn't it be great if you could cook both? Now you may think you need to have two ovens to do that. Man, are you ever wrong. That's because you don't realize there's a burner in the bottom of the dishwasher. Now, it's there to dry dishes, but we're going to use it to cook our turkey. In fact, we're so close to the burner, we can actually make toast at the same time. Now, the other shelf is for the potatoes. We're going to have a full slate of vegetables. Don't worry about that. And we can keep them completely separate in the silverware holder. And here's a bonus that no oven could ever do. You know how your dishwasher has a pump and a sprinkler system, to pick up the water from the bottom and then squirts it all over the dishes? Well, it'll do the same thing with gravy. Now all we do is set the control to dry, which turns on the element. You know, some times I even amaze myself. Okay, everything's done perfectly. Now all's we do is run the regular dishwashing cycle. It's not just an oven, it's self-cleaning. [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. No, no. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. We just won the possum lake fishing derby. We've never done that before. Usually the guys at caribou lodge beat us with some underhanded trick, but they didn't do so well this year because none of their outboards would run. Yeah, I heard somebody poured sugar into their gas tanks. Victory is sweet. Oh, uncle red, wait until you hear this! [ applause ] what happened? Did you get a scholarship to ballet school? No, I did not, no. We've been challenged to a fishing derby by another lodge. The grand prize is 10,000 dollars. Holy cow. Boy, we could really fix this place up with 10,000 bucks. You could just tear it down and start all over. Well, harold, and lose the history, the memories and the ambience? Hopefully. Well, who's this lodge that thinks they can take us on, harold? It's, um, badger lodge. No, no! What? No. No, yeah. Okay. Badger lodge, they're americans. Well, what difference does that make? Well, the americans are best at everything. Says who? They do. You know, uncle red, they spend more on fishing gear than we do on missiles. Harold, you know, they're just people. They don't know possum lake; they don't know canadian fish; and they don't know us. We can't beat the odds. I mean, california has the same population as canada. Yeah, but they're californians. You bring 'em up here in February, and it's game over. No, uncle red, americans are the -- they have 10 times everything... 10 times the population, 10 times the economy. Everything we have, they have 10 of. Well, that means they've got 10 harolds. They're dead in the water. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] yeah! Yeah! Woo-hoo! Today's winner receives cardboard box seats to the port asbestos theatre in the dark's outdoor production of a midsummer's nights mosquito infestation. This is just the ticket if you're itching for a night out. Okay, cover your ears. Okay, mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get winston to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And... Go! Okay, winston. You know, whenever we have a wing-ding at the lodge and the cops come over because of the noise we always say to them hey, nobody's... Sober. No, okay, okay. When you see a woman and she's the ultimate, she's the best, that means she's... Expensive. No, okay, no. When anybody sees your parents they always think they're something for each other. Covering for each other. No, but you know how your mother says they never argue because everything is... Dad's fault. We're almost out of time, mr. Green. Yeah, I know. Oh, I know. Winston, remember last summer we had that hurricane and everybody's septics backed up. You had three months of work out of it. What did you call that? Yeah, the perfect storm. Yeah! Yeah! We're helping out a lodge member, blair cobden, and he's got his snowmobile show on the local port asbestos t.V. Station. I guess he's running a little bit late. He'll be here though. Here he is. [ crash ] okay, blair. How's the snow machine running? Throttle sticks a bit. Yeah, I can see that. I think I hit your doghouse. He's long gone anyhow. So I thought we'd talk a little bit about the show. We got some clips. I thought we'd run them and then you can tell us what's happening. Fire it up. All right. Blair: I'm real excited, I'm heading to fish lake lodge, a big trip. You can see I'm excited. Red: You look excited there, yeah. Blair: There's brenda, my sled. Red? Brenda's a sled, okay. That's good to know. You, kind of, jazzed brenda up a little bit, didn't you? Blair: Yeah, you see, fish lake lodge is a real fancy place, and I souped her up a bit 'cause I didn't want to pull in there looking like a goof. Red: Now, what's happening here? Is this a setback of some kind? Blair: I failed to notice that the brochure said, "on tranquil fish lake island." red: Oh. So the ferry boat wouldn't take the snowmobile? Blair: No ferry, red. Just me, brenda and the open water. Red: Wow. Holy cow. Now, did you get enough speed up there, blair? Blair: Apparently not. [ applause ] you hear a lot of talk about global warming, which is melting the polar ice cap, which will lead to world-wide flooding and mass extinctions and so on. But what really bugs me is how hot the summers are getting. Oh sure, you can put one of these windows shakers into your home if things are getting too hot in the bedroom. Nice problem. What if your car doesn't have air conditioning? Okay, you can keep cool through evaporation, where you open all the car windows, get naked and douse yourself with alcohol. But the cops never believe that story. Mind you, you do end up in the cooler. So to avoid jail, I suggest a different technology. You want to put out the heat, try a fire extinguisher. Make sure you get the kind that shoots out co2, not the kind that shoots out foam. They're for shaving while you're waiting for the fire truck. These co2 units put out stuff that's about 3000 degrees below zero. Watch how this cools something down. You won't believe how the temperature drops. Now, the real problem in a vehicle is the sun beating down on the upholstery until it gets hot enough to fry eggs on. And if you've ever fried your eggs, you know how painful that is. You don't have to cool the whole car, just the seats. Mount one full fire extinguisher on each side of the back seat. I'm guessing you don't use your back seat anymore either. Wow, I'm finally using the seat belts on this car. Okay, that went well. This is the emergency brake -- sorry, this was the emergency brake. Now, I know that's going to alarm a bunch of you nervous nellies, but when I think about it, how often do I use my emergency brake? Once, maybe twice a month. Whereas I burn myself on the upholstery three or four times a day. You tell me which is the real emergency. Now, with my custom carbon dioxide-powered air conditioners, I can drive all day without being in the hot seat. Not until I get home anyway. Now, you want to attach the other end of the cable around the nozzles of the fire extinguishers. If your brake cable is too short, use some of the wiring from the tail lights. If other drivers can see that your tail lights aren't working, hey, they're following too close. Okay, and the tanks are all hooked up. Now let's just imagine that the car's just sitting out for hours, and the upholstery's hotter than stink. And stink can be very, very hot. But watch this. Oh, baby. How cool is that, eh? I'm good to go. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome -- shivering they should at least find you handy. Fire! F-f-fire! I want to talk to any couples who have been married for a while. When I was a young man, there were three kinds of cars. First, there was the clunker. I'm talking about the beater, the piece of crap, the car that looked worthless and performed down to that standard. Then there was the hot car. The corvette, the mustang, you know, the sports car. It looked good and delivered on the promise. Then there was my favourite, the sleeper. The car that looked like a clunker, but performed like a hot rod. Now, I know that on your wedding day, you thought each other looked like a pretty sporty model. And when you look at each other now, you look like a couple of clunkers, with a bad shimmy in the rear end. But that's all attitude. Maybe you can't be a sports car, but you don't need to be a clunker, you can be a sleeper. Sure, your tires are bald and your fenders are wrinkled, but you might still have a surprise or two under the hood. 'cause when I say sleeper, I'm only talking figuratively. If you're a sleeper, literally, your marriage is in serious trouble. You got to keep your end up, figuratively and literally. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Announcer: You've seen him on the road. You've had him in your yard. You've whiffed him on the breeze. Now, let world-renowned sewage sucker, winston rothschild into your heart and onto your turntable with his first ever long playing album. Yes, it's winston rothchild's the sounds of sucking. 24 of the greatest songs ever written sung and interpreted as only a man with no professional training can. You'll get... The population of a country doesn't make any difference, harold. You only have five guys on a fishing team. If they've got 300 million more, they all have to sit on the bench. Yes, but, see, we make up our team by picking five out of, say, oh, 100. They make up their team by picking five out of, say, oh, 10,000. I'm sure you see the difference. Yeah, it'll take them forever. Harold, we got the best team. I don't care if this lodge is from mars. We're going to win this thing. You seem so confident. Well, you got to be, harold. Fishing's a mental game. It's all about what you've got in your noggin. Okay, fine, but I still need the cheque today. What cheque? The $5,000 cheque, the wager. You told me there was a $10,000 prize. Yeah, you put up five, they put up five, that's 10. Oh, I'm thinking of putting up five, harold. Well, don't blame me. You signed the agreement. You accepted the challenge. Harold, how could you let this happen? Don't you read documents before I sign them? [ applause ] red: So bill came by. We heard he had a case of shingles. We misunderstood. So he and walter had planned to re-shingle the shed. And so, yeah, no problem. The shingles are there and he brought a ladder careful, ooh. And oh, oh. Everything's fine. We're good. Whoops. Oh, don't worry about it. Don't worry about that. And bill takes the ladder over and sets up. They're going to actually put the shingles on the little shed on the left there. And bills knows he should always hold the ladder, but you're better to hold it from the side, bill. And then -- careful, careful, careful. Oh. And they're not even on the roof yet. Okay, they finally get up there, and they start nailing the shingles on. The head comes off the hammer and -- well, you got two windows that match now. Okay, never mind, never mind. So away they go. Start hammering in, and walter set up his shingles there and he must have set it up over a knot or something. It was real hard, and he couldn't get the nail to go in properly because it's starting to bend over and everything. So he did the normal male response, just hit her a little bit harder. Like that. Okay, is he all right? Uh-h-h... Yeah, he's good. Okay, later that day they decided to work together rather than independently, so I get walter to -- you know, this doesn't look like the best idea ever to me. You know, I just -- there we go. Okay, that's good. Wow. Why don't you fall in backwards this time? A little change of pace. Still later that day they're finally getting the things on there, but bill decides we've got to up the technology here. We've got one of these nail gun units with the compressed air. Take her up to 60-70 pounds. There... Oops. Well, you shouldn't have parked there. Okay, so bill says -- no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Okay, okay. So walter's going to just nail a nail in while bill, kind of holds the shingle in place. This should work -- this should work just fine. He's got some power now. But bill's saying no, c'mon on, this is not nearly the kind of speed we need. So he takes her, amps her up a little bit more, takes her up to 100 pounds, what are you, 110? That's getting pretty high we're almost up to -- oh boy, oh boy. So bill starts -- it's got some real kick to her now and all of a sudden he starts losing it. We're losing it. Careful, bill, careful. Oh, down the hole, he starts firing inside and shooting shingles all over the place. So bill heads down and walter, get down! Get down the ladder! Save yourself! Wow! It's like a war movie. And down he comes. Okay, okay. You know, you got to look at the bright side. Okay, fine. The shed didn't get shingled. No, the shed -- but look at the bright side, your car did. Look at that. [ applause ] remember these, mr. Microphone? The ones you used to talk into that made your voice come out the radio? Back in the old days, dumb single guys used to use these to amplify their voices over their car stereo in hopes of picking up women on the street. the radio hey, there, mama. You're looking good. It didn't work, but it did teach me that our town does have plainclothes policewomen. Isn't it great when old technology finds a completely new application? Like storing your hockey pucks in a patty stacker or cutting your hair with a flymo. See, there's a big wrestling smackdown on t.V. This afternoon, but bernice wants me to go with her to the mall. I set up the t.V. In a hidden corner of the basement, but I'll tell you I could never pull this off without the help of mr. Microphone. Got to keep the sound off for the wrestling, but that's okay, I've got closed captioning so I can follow the plot. I've got to be quiet so I can hear bernice calling me. Bernice: Okay, come on. Let's go. I can't honey. [ over radio ] got to fix the transmission. Coming dear. [ applause ] well, the fishing derby results are in. I don't want to give anything away. But let's just say that the theory that canadians are somehow inferior has been blown right out of the water. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! It was great! Oh my goodness! Yeah! Yeah! That's right, we tied. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, I feel so good about myself. You know, on days like this I think I can tie anybody. That's right. Just like I told you, harold, you've got to believe in yourself. It's all about what happens up here. Male pattern baldness. No, no, no. You know what's good about tieing, when we were talking about tieing? You know what's good about that? You don't have the embarrassment of losing. And nobody's mad at you for winning, and they don't threaten to give you a wedgie in front of mary-ellen carmichael. You like everybody to be happy, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. I bruise easily. Okay, so we didn't win the 10,000 dollars, but neither did they. You know, so we just get our cheque back. Well, no, no, no. Not exactly, no. They got ours and we got theirs. Oh, yeah, well, same dif. No, no, theirs is in american. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead. I'll be right down. You all right? Yeah! Okay, if my wife is watching I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'm thinking our marriage is kind of a tie, but we like to call it a win-win because neither of us is interested in a stalemate. Huh? Huh? And the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your cheque on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] everybody take your seats. Come on, sit down, sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. All right, men, I think we should all be proud of our performance in the fishing derby. Maybe everybody coming out even is kind of a canadian thing. Otherwise we get into a big discussion about winners and losers and the next thing you know harold's having another bad day. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com